Understanding - Noun
the ability to understand something; comprehension.
sympathetic awareness or tolerance.
Understanding is the key word here. Unless you understand or atleast try to, you are not going to get very far. More importantly, the person that you care about isn't going to want to speak about how they truly feel which isn't the best thing when the world already looks bleak and dismal. You have to understand the way their mind works, however they themselves don't even know, so please be patient! They'll cancel plans at the last minute, worry over the smallest of things, say things that they don't mean...the list is endless! I promise by the end of this post you'll at least have some idea of how you can help or at least not make things worse for them.
I'll give you simple tips of what to say and what not to say. I'll concentrate more on what to say as you're going to remember that more.
What you say: "Can you not just get over it?" What you should say: "Is there anything that can help?"
Telling someone to just 'get over it' isn't going to help anyone or anything. In fact its more likely to make the person that you are trying to help, dislike you and shut away from the world that little bit more.
If you're not sure on how to help them, just ask. It's as simple as that. You will never know if you don't ask.
What you say: "You've wasted my time" What you should say:"No worries! Let me know when you want to reschedule"
This often happens after you have had plans for a while but they want to cancel at the last minute. You telling them that they've wasted your time isn't going to make them agree to the plans you once had but if anything it's going to make them not want to make plans with you or anyone else for a very long time as not to feel like a burden. It's hard not to get upset at them, but, sometimes the world can seem like a scary place especially to someone that has depression and/or anxiety. They're more than likely not going to want to go out anywhere with loads of people, like parties etc. Instead, ask them to come to your house for a few hours. It's not much but atleast it's a start.
What you say: "Stop being so dramatic" What you should say:"It will get easier, I promise"
Never, ever, ever, EVER, never, never, tell the person they're being dramatic. They worry about things to an extent you couldn't imagine. Let me give you a scenario to help you understand.
Imagine you are going to the shop to purchase some juice. You begin to get ready and you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror as you walk past it. You walk back and take a long hard look at the person you've become. You worry that your hair isn't perfect and your face is a mess. You are scared people will judge you. You are scared people will know. Know that you're not normal. That you have a problem. You try to ignore the thoughts in your head telling you that you're disgusting and you shouldn't go out. You try to ignore the thoughts that you should just go back to your room. That way nobody has to look at you and you are safe there. You try to block these thoughts out but then you think of walking to the shop. Everyone is going to stare at you. Everyone is going to notice that you're weird. People will stare. Then when you get to the shop what if they don't even have the juice you want? It will have been for nothing. You then take off your coat and shoes, go back to your room, close your curtains and get back into bed. You're safe there, nobody can hurt you, nobody can judge you.
THAT is how they feel. Do you still feel okay telling them that they're being dramatic? I didn't think so.
What you say: "Stop being so selfish" What you should say: "Don't be scared, I'm going to help you get better"
If the person you care about says that they don't want to be around any more, the last thing that should come out of your mouth should be something that is going to make them feel even worse. Instead, ask them, carefully and thoughtfully, what's made them feel like this. Sometimes all that person needs is someone to talk to, for them to realise that the world isn't such a scary place. If you can, go and see them. Always remember, though, that it has taken them a lot to open up to you so what they tell you should be treated with care. Chances are they have felt awful for a very long time but have finally had the courage to open up to you about how they're truly feeling. Always speak to someone close to them, whether it be their partner, parents, family member so they are aware of how this person is feeling. If the person you're worried about seems like they are about to cause themselves significant harm and you have no idea what to do or how to help, call a crisis helpline and in extreme circumstances the emergency services. Tell them what's happening and they'll be able to help. It only comes to this in extreme circumstances, hopefully the person you care about gets help way before this but I thought it would be helpful to know what to do should you ever need to know.
What you say:"Fine. If that's how you feel" What you should say:"I know you don't mean that :)"
This is mostly used when they say something out of their emotions. Something that you know deep in their heart that they don't mean. For instance they may say things like "Why are you even bothered about me?" or "I don't have friends" etc. They do not mean any of this, I promise you. Don't take it to heart. They'll more than likely apologise in a due time.
I hope this helps a few of you and your loved ones. Just remember you're only human and it's okay to not know how to help the person you love. Your brain can only hold so much information after all. However, as I've outlined, understanding is the root of it all. There's a lot of things I could say to help but I'll break this whole blog into a few sections, as it's a lot to take in at any one time. Remember, the world is full of nice people and if you don't know any, be one.
Stay awesome and be kind,
Shan :)
Understanding is the key word here. Unless you understand or atleast try to, you are not going to get very far. More importantly, the person that you care about isn't going to want to speak about how they truly feel which isn't the best thing when the world already looks bleak and dismal. You have to understand the way their mind works, however they themselves don't even know, so please be patient! They'll cancel plans at the last minute, worry over the smallest of things, say things that they don't mean...the list is endless! I promise by the end of this post you'll at least have some idea of how you can help or at least not make things worse for them.
I'll give you simple tips of what to say and what not to say. I'll concentrate more on what to say as you're going to remember that more.
What you say: "Can you not just get over it?" What you should say: "Is there anything that can help?"
Telling someone to just 'get over it' isn't going to help anyone or anything. In fact its more likely to make the person that you are trying to help, dislike you and shut away from the world that little bit more.
If you're not sure on how to help them, just ask. It's as simple as that. You will never know if you don't ask.
What you say: "You've wasted my time" What you should say:"No worries! Let me know when you want to reschedule"
This often happens after you have had plans for a while but they want to cancel at the last minute. You telling them that they've wasted your time isn't going to make them agree to the plans you once had but if anything it's going to make them not want to make plans with you or anyone else for a very long time as not to feel like a burden. It's hard not to get upset at them, but, sometimes the world can seem like a scary place especially to someone that has depression and/or anxiety. They're more than likely not going to want to go out anywhere with loads of people, like parties etc. Instead, ask them to come to your house for a few hours. It's not much but atleast it's a start.
What you say: "Stop being so dramatic" What you should say:"It will get easier, I promise"
Never, ever, ever, EVER, never, never, tell the person they're being dramatic. They worry about things to an extent you couldn't imagine. Let me give you a scenario to help you understand.
Imagine you are going to the shop to purchase some juice. You begin to get ready and you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror as you walk past it. You walk back and take a long hard look at the person you've become. You worry that your hair isn't perfect and your face is a mess. You are scared people will judge you. You are scared people will know. Know that you're not normal. That you have a problem. You try to ignore the thoughts in your head telling you that you're disgusting and you shouldn't go out. You try to ignore the thoughts that you should just go back to your room. That way nobody has to look at you and you are safe there. You try to block these thoughts out but then you think of walking to the shop. Everyone is going to stare at you. Everyone is going to notice that you're weird. People will stare. Then when you get to the shop what if they don't even have the juice you want? It will have been for nothing. You then take off your coat and shoes, go back to your room, close your curtains and get back into bed. You're safe there, nobody can hurt you, nobody can judge you.
THAT is how they feel. Do you still feel okay telling them that they're being dramatic? I didn't think so.
What you say: "Stop being so selfish" What you should say: "Don't be scared, I'm going to help you get better"
If the person you care about says that they don't want to be around any more, the last thing that should come out of your mouth should be something that is going to make them feel even worse. Instead, ask them, carefully and thoughtfully, what's made them feel like this. Sometimes all that person needs is someone to talk to, for them to realise that the world isn't such a scary place. If you can, go and see them. Always remember, though, that it has taken them a lot to open up to you so what they tell you should be treated with care. Chances are they have felt awful for a very long time but have finally had the courage to open up to you about how they're truly feeling. Always speak to someone close to them, whether it be their partner, parents, family member so they are aware of how this person is feeling. If the person you're worried about seems like they are about to cause themselves significant harm and you have no idea what to do or how to help, call a crisis helpline and in extreme circumstances the emergency services. Tell them what's happening and they'll be able to help. It only comes to this in extreme circumstances, hopefully the person you care about gets help way before this but I thought it would be helpful to know what to do should you ever need to know.
What you say:"Fine. If that's how you feel" What you should say:"I know you don't mean that :)"
This is mostly used when they say something out of their emotions. Something that you know deep in their heart that they don't mean. For instance they may say things like "Why are you even bothered about me?" or "I don't have friends" etc. They do not mean any of this, I promise you. Don't take it to heart. They'll more than likely apologise in a due time.
I hope this helps a few of you and your loved ones. Just remember you're only human and it's okay to not know how to help the person you love. Your brain can only hold so much information after all. However, as I've outlined, understanding is the root of it all. There's a lot of things I could say to help but I'll break this whole blog into a few sections, as it's a lot to take in at any one time. Remember, the world is full of nice people and if you don't know any, be one.
Stay awesome and be kind,
Shan :)
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