Understanding Depression and Anxiety.

So, I've been asked quite a few times how to understand someone who has depression and/or anxiety. The truth is, unless you've actually had to deal with certain things first hand then you will never truly understand. However, there are still people that are sadly, too ignorant to understand. There are also people who say the wrong thing but don't even realise. I've written this post so you can atleast go toward the right direction. 

Understanding - Noun

                      the ability to understand something; comprehension.

                      sympathetic awareness or tolerance. 

Understanding is the key word here. Unless you understand or atleast try to, you are not going to get very far. More importantly, the person that you care about isn't going to want to speak about how they truly feel which isn't the best thing when the world already looks bleak and dismal. You have to understand the way their mind works, however they themselves don't even know, so please be patient! They'll cancel plans at the last minute, worry over the smallest of things, say things that they don't mean...the list is endless! I promise by the end of this post you'll at least have some idea of how you can help or at least not make things worse for them.

I'll give you simple tips of what to say and what not to say. I'll concentrate more on what to say as you're going to remember that more.

What you say: "Can you not just get over it?" What you should say: "Is there anything that can help?"

Telling someone to just 'get over it' isn't going to help anyone or anything. In fact its more likely to make the person that you are trying to help, dislike you and shut away from the world that little bit more.
 If you're not sure on how to help them, just ask. It's as simple as that. You will never know if you don't ask. 

What you say: "You've wasted my time" What you should say:"No worries! Let me know when you want to reschedule" 

This often happens after you have had plans for a while but they want to cancel at the last minute. You telling them that they've wasted your time isn't going to make them agree to the plans you once had but if anything it's going to make them not want to make plans with you or anyone else for a very long time as not to feel like a burden. It's hard not to get upset at them, but, sometimes the world can seem like a scary place especially to someone that has depression and/or anxiety. They're more than likely not going to want to go out anywhere with loads of people, like parties etc. Instead, ask them to come to your house for a few hours. It's not much but atleast it's a start. 

What you say: "Stop being so dramatic" What you should say:"It will get easier, I promise"

Never, ever, ever, EVER, never, never, tell the person they're being dramatic. They worry about things to an extent you couldn't imagine. Let me give you a scenario to help you understand. 

Imagine you are going to the shop to purchase some juice. You begin to get ready and you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror as you walk past it. You walk back and take a long hard look at the person you've become. You worry that your hair isn't perfect and your face is a mess. You are scared people will judge you. You are scared people will know. Know that you're not normal. That you have a problem. You try to ignore the thoughts in your head telling you that you're disgusting and you shouldn't go out. You try to ignore the thoughts that you should just go back to your room. That way nobody has to look at you and you are safe there. You try to block these thoughts out but then you think of walking to the shop. Everyone is going to stare at you. Everyone is going to notice that you're weird. People will stare. Then when you get to the shop what if they don't even have the juice you want? It will have been for nothing. You then take off your coat and shoes, go back to your room, close your curtains and get back into bed. You're safe there, nobody can hurt you, nobody can judge you.

THAT is how they feel. Do you still feel okay telling them that they're being dramatic? I didn't think so.

What you say: "Stop being so selfish" What you should say: "Don't be scared, I'm going to help you get better"

If the person you care about says that they don't want to be around any more, the last thing that should come out of your mouth should be something that is going to make them feel even worse. Instead, ask them, carefully and thoughtfully, what's made them feel like this. Sometimes all that person needs is someone to talk to, for them to realise that the world isn't such a scary place. If you can, go and see them. Always remember, though, that it has taken them a lot to open up to you so what they tell you should be treated with care. Chances are they have felt awful for a very long time but have finally had the courage to open up to you about how they're truly feeling. Always speak to someone close to them, whether it be their partner, parents, family member so they are aware of how this person is feeling. If the person you're worried about seems like they are about to cause themselves significant harm and you have no idea what to do or how to help, call a crisis helpline and in extreme circumstances the emergency services. Tell them what's happening and they'll be able to help. It only comes to this in extreme circumstances, hopefully the person you care about gets help way before this but I thought it would be helpful to know what to do should you ever need to know.

What you say:"Fine. If that's how you feel" What you should say:"I know you don't mean that :)"

This is mostly used when they say something out of their emotions. Something that you know deep in their heart that they don't mean. For instance they may say things like "Why are you even bothered about me?" or "I don't have friends" etc. They do not mean any of this, I promise you. Don't take it to heart. They'll more than likely apologise in a due time.

I hope this helps a few of you and your loved ones. Just remember you're only human and it's okay to not know how to help the person you love. Your brain can only hold so much information after all. However, as I've outlined, understanding is the root of it all. There's a lot of things I could say to help but I'll break this whole blog into a few sections, as it's a lot to take in at any one time. Remember, the world is full of nice people and if you don't know any, be one. 

Stay awesome and be kind,

Shan :)

Update!

Aloha!

I hope that you are all well and are excited for the Holidays! I thought I would just give you all a quick update on how my training has gone on since I announced that I would be trekking The Great Wall of China in 2016 for charity! Well, as quick as can be for me, you should all know I like to waffle on by now.

I donated all the unopened unhealthy food we had in the house to a food bank, as I didn't want it to tempt me but I also didn't want to throw it away, knowing that so many people go hungry. I now only treat myself to foods such as chocolate, although I was treating myself the other day and I didn't enjoy it. I know, I was quite surprised too. I've also started going for early morning runs every other day and I dance around my house with hand weights for atleast an hour a day. 

I weighed myself today and I've lost a total of 10 pounds in two weeks! I'm very proud of myself. 

Anyway, I said I was going to keep this short and sweet, so that I am. To those that support me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

All my love,

Shaniece :)

ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Hey, guys and gals!

So the other day I was in bed and got to thinking about much I’d accomplished by the time I was twenty. I then got to thinking about the things I wanted to do before I was 30 and began to write a list. I began writing the typical things women do, find a partner, get our own house, get married, have children and a dog called Buster or something along those lines. Other people want that too, right? If you know me personally, you’ll know I do not like to do anything like other people and I like to be different so I began to add other things. Some of the things I want to do are, travel the world, and experience some thrill seeking things like skydiving, bungee jumping, swimming with sharks etc. I then added something else to my list “Help a charity in some way or another”. I've volunteered before but I wanted to do something which was a bit different, to tie in with me being crazy and not wanting to do things by halves.

The next day I went to the shop to get the day’s paper and I picked up a magazine, I don’t know why but something told me to pick it up. I then went to pay for the magazine and the paper before going back home and reading the paper. I forgot about the magazine until the next morning and sat down to read it; it had the usual real life stories about a woman whose husband had run off with someone else and those inspiring stories, too. I then turned over the page and saw an advert for a charity trek in England. It caught my eye and I began to read up on it online, to the point where I felt that I had to do this. I’ve been telling myself I wanted to shift some weight and be a lot healthier due to my health and I also wanted to raise money for charity like I mentioned earlier in this post. I then emailed this company that seemed like the best company for me and they emailed me back a few days later with the answers to my questions. They suggested I speak to the people closest to me about it, and see what they think, first. So that I did.

Now, if I had a £1 for every person that laughed at me, or told me I wouldn’t be able to do it, I would be rich. The only people who actually believed in me were my Dad, my best friend and a few other people. My mother kind of swept it under the rug as if to say “Yeah, I bet you will”. I know she probably didn’t mean it, but it made me feel crappy. I felt like I didn’t want to do it, but as you will know by now, I’m very fond of a rapper called Iggy Azalea. She’s inspired me a lot since I found her music, and her music has also helped me no end. She was told she would never make it, and now has. So I thought about it and then thought about all the children I would be helping in the process, also the weight I would shift. Me being me, I like to prove people wrong, it is basically like my hobby, haha! So I paid my joining fee so now I have no way of backing out of this.

“What are you even doing, Shaniece?” I hear you ask, well....*Taps glass and clears throat*.

In October 2016, I Shaniece Smith, will be trekking this bad boy!

Yes! The Great Wall of China! All 8,850 km or 5,500 miles of it. Well the parts that are safe for me to do so!

I know the day is far away, but due to health issues I can’t just go straight into training and I need to break myself into it slowly. Anyway, with the way the years are flying by these days, I'm sure 680 days will pass by pretty quickly.

The charity I’m going to be supporting is going to be Barnardo's as they stand for everything that I do. Look them up if you're unsure as to what and who they are! Here's a link to their website: http://www.barnardos.org.uk

So that is that, and now you know. If you support me in what I’m doing then thank you from the bottom of my heart, but, I’m not doing this for anyone else. I’m not doing this for the people that were mean to be in my school life for being overweight, I’m not doing this for a guy, I’m not doing this because I’m bored of being the fatty of the group. I am doing this for myself, my health mainly but also those children that I know this money I raise will help! If you don’t believe in me and that I won’t do it, I cannot wait to sit my no longer fat ass on your face to make you shut up. I’ll let you know about donations when these people get me all set up with a donation pack. Let’s do this!


Thanks for reading, guys!

Peace and love,

Shaniece :)

What is depression?

Many of us only know the dictionary meaning of the word and not the true meaning, thankfully. But what really is depression? How does it make you feel? If it makes you feel anything at all. I’ve written this blog post for those people too afraid to ask someone close to them who may be battling this disease, those questions. I’ll try and keep it short and sweet, but you know me, I like to ramble.

First things first, what is depression? 

Depression is a mental health illness that is causing the death of more and more people as the time goes on. These people can often seem okay on the outside and you will often not know that they are depressed. It causes your brain to question itself and everything you stand for. You will lose friends, your sanity and emotions.

How does it make you feel?

Often when you ask people this question, they will simply say “Depression makes you feel sad.” But it’s not just sadness. Imagine you’re submerged into a pool of water, you’re fighting with all your might not to sink deeper and deeper, you look up and you can see everybody else around you on the surface having the time of their lives whilst staying afloat, but you keep sinking and sinking with hardly anybody noticing but yourself, you try everything but you’re drowning and you feel like you can’t breathe so you begin to panic. Every so often you’ll make a bit of headway on getting back to the surface. However, everything you do seems to not work to help you get back up to the surface and you want to give up. You want to end it all instead of fighting. That is a brief description of depression. Sometimes you’ll not want to leave your bed for days because that is the only place you feel safe. Sometimes you’ll not want to leave your house in fear that you’ll see somebody and you’ll have to communicate with others. Then sometimes you’ll force yourself to act like a “normal” human being, however afterwards you’ll get pulled lower and lower, deeper and deeper into the water that in this case represents depression. There will be times when you don’t speak to people for days, and there will be days where you just want to end it all. In a way your brain switches up on you, it doesn’t make you see anything good about the world, only the bad. Your emotions will drain from your body and you won’t care about the things you used to love. That my friend, in a nutshell, is depression. 

What can help a depressed person?

I get asked this so many times by other people who have someone close to them who may be suffering from this disease. Everybody is different and can be helped in different ways. However, I guarantee, just by being there for that someone is enough in itself. It doesn’t have to be a lot but just every few days just call or text them, see how they’re doing, see if they even would like to hang out with you or if they’re up to visitors. If you feel that they may need some more professional help and you do notice a change in them whether that be that they don’t eat as much as they used to or they eat a lot more than they used to, they don’t like doing things they used to love anymore, they’re weepy and when they speak it is generally negative or if they start to self harm, please do seek help. For sometimes, people do not see the changes in themselves until they are approached by someone on the outside. 

How can I help myself?

This is pretty much the same answer as the previous question, everybody is different. However, you can get help and things WILL get better. The first thing you need to do is admit you may need some help, speak to someone you can trust whether it be a friend, family member, you doctor or someone else. They will be able to offer you an ear to listen and maybe a shoulder to cry on as you offload. Trust me, you’ll feel much better! The next thing to do is make an appointment with your doctor where they will be able to offer you some help whether it be medication, a counsellor or other options. Also talk to your family members/close friends and write up a crisis plan. A crisis plan is what you do and who you call if you feel like you’re going to harm yourself. Make sure these are trusted people who you know will put your wellbeing at the forefront of everything and won’t ignore your call because they’re watching TV. 

Also, make a happy box/drawer/space in your room where you keep everything that makes you happy. This can be pictures, concert tickets, posters of your favourite artists etc. Each time you feel sad or you want to harm yourself, literally go to your happy place and look at everything. Remember how you felt in that moment in time, remember that those people in the pictures love you, remember that this moment will pass and you don’t want to do something permanent like harming yourself for something that is temporary.  

Listen to music. If you know me personally, you’ll know that I'm a very big fan of a rapper called Iggy Azalea. She’s helped me a lot through my worst days and most of the time is the only person that can. When she was 16 she upped and left Australia and moved to America, she went on her own with limited money and no family in America. Most of her songs tell a story about how she ended up being one of the most successful rappers of this century. It seems weird and crazy, but sometimes you need someone to look up to, sometimes you need to listen to someone else’s story and see how far they’ve come. Then you’ll realise life isn’t that bad, y’know? Go check her album out and Youtube some of her interviews, I can gurantee you’ll feel so much better afterwards. Whether you want to shake your booty to her song F*ck Love which is basically about loving yourself or just simply listen to Impossible is Nothing or Walk The Line to feel inspired, her album has a song for every mood you’re in. I guess my point is, find your musical hero, listen to them, dance around your room, let it all go! If all else fails listen to the video below, have a dance around your room and be HAPPY. You’re welcome.

Will I ever get better?

The answer is yes, you will get better but it will be a long, hard and sometimes tiring battle. It also won’t happen overnight. In time though, you’ll get better. I promise! Always remember that everything will be okay, and if it’s not okay then it’s not the end. You’re going to be okay, just hang in there!

I hope I haven’t rambled on too much and this helps some of you.

All the best,

Shaniece :)

Dear Depression

Dear Depression,
  

Some people don’t understand the connection we share,

“Oh snap out of it” is their response too ignorant to care,

Too ignorant to ask questions or simply just too scared,

I was never actually prepared,

For how much of me you’d overtake and invade,

Bit by bit, every emotion you slayed,

You took away my being able to feel,

You took away my coping mechanism and how to deal,

With even minor things that would happen in life,

Made me feel that the only way to cope was with a knife,

Pressed down deep onto my skin,

You made me feel asif I was dying from within,

You made me feel worthless,

You made me feel anxious,

You made me feel like I was dead,

You made me have dark thoughts in my head,

You made me lose interest in the things I once loved,

Infact you made me feel unloved,

You see I’m one of the lucky ones that is able,

To say that their mental state is now near stable,

The Drs are now happy with my progress,

My life could have been a complete mess,

But I had friends, who loved me even when I couldn’t love myself,

Some didn’t even understand that I had a problem with my health,

Depression doesn’t make you look physically ill,

But still they made it their will,

To make me better make me back to the old me,

I know that it was up to me though internally,

I had all the support but I had to tackle,

Depression head on and so I went into battle,

With this deep dark disease and there were some days,

When I wanted to go back to my old ways,

I felt like I didn’t want to get out of bed,

I felt I’d be better off dead,

I felt like I didn’t want the world to see me,

My friends however wouldn’t leave me be,

So you see depression you have not won,

And I know this battle is far from done,

My frozen from fear body now begins to thaw,

It’s a slow process but I feel stronger than I was before,

And as the scars on my body begin to fade,

I’m glad on this Earth I have stayed,

For there are people you have managed to destroy,

The things they once loved they no longer enjoy,

You manage to break them down until they see no way,

To carry on, so they take their own life you lead them astray,

Depression I hate you and I hate what you did to me,

However, I have risen to victory,

You cannot control me and I will not let you,

I know I have the support of my support network too,

I’m gonna kick your butt and when I’m done,

You’re going to wish you never had begun,

Bullying me for that is what you did,

Some days all I did was hid,

from the world, And I hate that you allow me,

To not see all the worlds natural beauty,

I am now grateful for every single day I am alive,

I am grateful for my very few friends that stayed by my side,

I am grateful for my parents for always being there,

I am grateful for you too Depression but you didn’t keep me in your snare,

For now I know the signs and symptoms I can help others,

Depression affects anyone whether it is a friend or even your mother,

Depression you haven’t won this battle and I’m sorry to break it to you,

I was just too strong in the end and if you’re reading this and feel this way too,

I’m always here,

To lend my ear,

We can kick Depressions butt together,

For there is strength in numbers, so be kind to each other! :) 

Broken. - The teaser!

 “Just please let us pray for Michaela’s friends and family in such a difficult time” The guy who barely knew me said to the TV cameras. He didn’t care, that’s why I did this. Nobody cared. The world wouldn’t miss me when I was gone and I was sure of it. “Are you ready to go now? I’ve been waiting for you” a voice from behind asked me holding out their hand. I turned around and locked fingertips with the love of my life. I forgot how perfectly his fingertips interlocked with mine. “Why did you do it?” the person asked me. I looked back and I could see a female crying in a police car. “I love you Mum” I said, forgetting she couldn’t hear me. Nobody alive could, not anymore. I turned back to the love of my life; he still looked the same as he did the night he died. “Well? Don’t tell me you haven’t got the time either, we’re not alive anymore, we have all the time in world” he said. With that I began to tell him where it all went wrong and when I became a broken human being.

Chapter 1 – 4 Years Earlier

“We have a new student with us today, this is Michaela Morley, please make her feel welcome won’t you” the woman said. I was only 14 but this was the sixteenth school I’d been to. “Miss...Can Michaela sit next to me?” a girl asked. “Of course she can, that’s very kind of you, Alana” the teacher said to Alana. “Teachers pet aren’t you Alana!” A girl behind us hissed. Alana looked hurt. “Shut your mouth” I mouthed to the girl whilst I went to sit next to Alana. She looked at me smiling and I tried my hardest to smile back. “What’s the matter?” Alana asked me as we walked to our 1^st lesson. “Nothing” I said sparing her feelings. “Go on...you can tell me, I won’t tell anyone. Thank you for before by the way, those girls don’t like me anymore. Where are you from? You talk funny” she said. I ignored her. “There’s no need to be so rude” she said with a tone in her voice. “I’ve been to 16 schools in the past 9 years...I don’t do friends and I don’t talk funny, I’m from Leeds and why don’t they like you? Cause you’re annoying?!” I snapped back. She looked taken back and didn’t talk to me much for the rest of the day of which I spent drifting through lesson to lesson and listening to my iPod at break times. The final school bell finally rang and I gathered up my stuff. “Michaela, wait” Alana said from behind, running up towards me as I hurried out of the school gates. Was this girl ever going to understand that I didn’t do friends? “MICHAELA!” she shouted. I stopped in my tracks. “Do you have to tell everyone my name? Jeeze” I said to her. “Would you like to come to my house one day? I’m sure my Mum won’t mind” Alana said to me. “Like I said, I probably won’t stay here very long, I’ll move away soon” I replied. “So, you can still make friends whilst your still here, we can keep in touch” Alana replied. I looked at her and realised she really did want to be my friend. “Okay, I’ll think about it” I said to Alana who then smiled whilst trying to keep it cool. A car tooted their horn at me which then broke the awkward silence. “Bye, I’ll see you tomorrow” I said to her. “Your Mums very pretty” she said. “That’s not my Mum...my parents are dead” I snapped back. Alana looked hurt but I didn’t care as I walked over to the car and got in the passenger seat.

 Chapter 2 – A New Life

“How was your day?” Amanda asked me. “Fine thank you” I replied putting my seatbelt on. “That’s good, like your new school?” Amanda asked me. “Yep, fine thanks” I said. “Good, what would you like for tea?” She asked me. “I don’t know for god sake” I snapped. Amanda was just like my previous 15 set of Foster parents, all of them tried TOO hard but I knew it would all end the same. They’d get sick of me, and I’d be sent packing to somewhere else, I was so used to this routine by now to be honest with you, it didn’t bother me anymore. “Sorry” I said. “It’s okay, sweetie” Amanda replied. Amanda and her husband Steve were different so I knew I had to try with them. We got home and I took my school bag up to my room to make a start on my homework. There was a knock at my bedroom door. “Come in” I said. Amanda stood there, smiling at me handing me a plate of cookies and a glass of Strawberry Milkshake. She’d been reading up on my notes of what I liked and what I didn’t like. A few hours passed and I decided to get ready for bed having completed my homework. I’d gotten my bath and put my pyjamas on then decided to go downstairs to watch some telly. “Something smells nice” I said to Amanda. “Your favourite, Sheppard’s Pie with spaghetti hoops” she said smiling at me. Amanda was really trying hard with me. “Would you like me to lay the table?” I asked Amanda. She smiled at me. “Yes please poppet, Steve will be home soon” she replied. With that, Steve came home from work. He was a police officer so it meant he worked long shifts sometimes. “Hello gorgeous” he said smiling at Amanda. “Hello, you!” Amanda said smiling back. “Ahh, hello, Michaela” Steve said smiling at me. I smiled back. “Hey” I replied. We sat down and I had 2 platefuls of dinner, after all it was my favourite meal. Afterwards we watched some telly and I decided to go to bed. I went to my room and lay in my bed. I looked at a picture that I had on my bedside table. “Goodnight Mum and Dad” I said kissing the picture like I did, every night.

Chapter 3 – My Past

The week went by very quickly and I began to actually like Alana. “I didn’t mean to offend you the other day by the way, sorry for assuming that lady was your Mum” she said to me. “Its okay” I replied as we walked over to a bench at lunchtime. Alana looked at me and I know she was begging to ask me that question everybody else did. “My parents died protecting me” I said to Alana. Her face dropped. “I’m so sorry” she said hugging me. “It’s okay, you weren’t to know” I replied. I began to tell her the story of what happened to my parents. “We were driving back from Grandma’s and she lived in a rural country area, you know in the middle of nowhere, anyway they were arguing about which way to go and we ended up crashing into a railway line” I said wiping a tear away from my eye. “I remember my Mum screaming at my Dad telling him there was a train coming, I remember Mum telling me to be brave and Dad telling me how much he loved me. The rest is a blur, I just remember this man taking me out of my car seat and helping me to safety and there was a scream, a very loud scream and a crash” I said wiping away my tears. “I’m so sorry, Michaela, I really am” Alana replied. “The next few weeks were a blur, it turned out Mum and Dad were trapped and Dad had a metal pole through his left lung, so when the train hit them it basically killed them” I finished. Alana hugged me. “Your Mum and Dad would be proud of you if they could see you now” she said. I smiled back at her. The final school bell rang and I was going to Alana’s today for a little bit after school. We got to Alana’s and walked into the kitchen area where her Mum was. “Hello!” Her Mum said smiling at me whilst wiping her hands on a tea towel. “I’m Kate, Alana’s Mum, Michaela isn’t it?” Kate said. I nodded. “Yes, erm, hi” I said. This was all new to me; I never had any friends before let alone met their parents. “Mum, we’re going upstairs, okay?” Alana said grabbing my hand and walking me upstairs. We got upstairs and walked into Alana’s room where I spotted a picture of a little girl and a male who was giving her a piggy back. “Aww, is that your Dad?” I asked. Alana looked at me and a stray tear fell down her cheek.

Chapter 4 – I’m Just Like You

“I’m sorry” I said hastily. Alana looked at me. “He went missing the day after that photo was taken, I was only five....3 months later they’d found his body but nobody had been charged with his murder as they hadn’t left any traces of DNA or anything” Alana said before sitting down on the chair in her room. I went and hugged her, I don’t know why I hugged her, but I did. “Why didn’t you say?” I asked her. “I’ve still got my Mum, I didn’t want it to seem like I wasn’t bothered about your parents or anything, I meant to put it away before you came, but I’m so used to it being there, that I forgot to move it” Alana replied. I hugged her even tighter and wiped her tears with my jumper sleeve. She eventually stopped crying and went to go and wash her face in her bathroom. I got my school books out and made a start on my Science coursework. Alana came back in and started to slyly copy my homework. “Bitch, do your own homework!” I said to Alana. “Be quiet! I’ll let you copy my Maths if you let me copy your Science?” Alana replied. I nodded. “Okay, deal!” I said. Kate came to check on us. “Aww! This is what I like to see, young girls doing their homework...here I brought you some treats” she said putting a tray laden with a plate of cookies, a bowl of crisps, some sweets and two glasses of juice. “Thank you, Kate” I said smiling. “Thanks Mum” Alana said. “It’s okay, nice to have some of Alana’s friends round” Kate said smiling. Friend...did she just call me Alana’s friend? I liked the term friend. Alana looked at me uneasily and I was guessing she was remembering that I said I didn’t “do friends” on the 1^st day I met her. I smiled at Kate and with that she left the room again. “Sorry” Alana managed sometime after. “For what, Alana?” I asked her. “My Mum...calling you my friend...I hope it didn’t upset you” she continued. “It’s fine...we are friends aren’t we?” I asked her. “Of course we are!” Alana said smiling. “Do you remember on my 1^st day?” I started. “Yes...” Alana replied whilst taking a big gulp of her drink. “You said those girls didn’t like you, why don’t they like you?” I asked. Alana almost choked on her drink before swallowing it. “I don’t want to talk about it right now” Alana said. “But why?” I carried on whilst putting a crisp in my mouth. “I don’t okay, because I don’t” Alana spat back. “Okay, I was only asking” I said. “Well don’t, you don’t have to ask” Alana shouted back. I grabbed my books and shoved them into my backpack. “I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry” Alana said beginning to cry. I didn’t even look at her. I put my hoodie on and then put my backpack over my shoulder all without saying a word or looking at her. I then opened her door, went downstairs and put my shoes on. “Leaving so soon?” Kate asked me. “Yeah, it was nice meeting you” I replied. “Has something happened?” Kate asked me. “No...I just need to go” I said. “Want me to drop you home sweetheart?” Kate asked me. “No, I’m fine thanks, bye” I said. I could feel myself welling up and it was a race to get out of there before I began to cry. I walked down the road a little before I began to cry. Then it dawned on me, I had no idea where I was and how I was going to get home. I went to the bus stop and began to cry even more. “Are you okay?” A voice asked me.

Chapter 5 – Teenage Love Affair

I looked up at the male standing in front of me. “Michaela isn’t it?” he asked. I wiped away my tears. “Yeah...” I said. Then it dawned on me that he was in my year and in most of my lessons. “My names Elliot” he said. I smiled at him. “Hi, Elliot, sorry I have to get home” I said. “Let me walk you? I need to make sure you’re okay” he replied. It was finally time to come clean. “The thing is...I don’t know how to get to where I live from here” I said. He laughed. “Well what’s your address?” he asked me. “133 Roman Drive” I replied. “Oh, that’s across the field” he said beginning to walk. We were back into a place that I actually recognised when Elliot looked at me. “Isn’t 133 where that copper lives?” he asked me. “Steve Sullivan?” I asked. He nodded. “Yeah, him” he said. “Yep, he’s my Foster Dad” I replied. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his eyebrows rise slightly. “Oh” he said. We finally got to my front door. “Well, this is it” I said. Amanda caught sight of us outside and opened the door before rushing out to us. “Who’s this? I thought you were going to Alana’s after school?” she asked. “I didn’t know where to go so Elliot walked me back...he goes to my school” I continued. Amanda looked Elliot up and down. “Okay, well thank you, she’s home now...so I guess that will be all” Amanda said to Elliot whilst ushering me inside. “Thanks Elliot, bye!” I shouted back to him. “Bye” he said before turning off to walk in the direction we’d just walked. We got inside and Amanda went back to watching TV. I took my shoes off and went to join her. As we were watching TV she looked at me. “You do like it here don’t you?” Amanda asked. “Yes...why?” I replied. “Just wondering” Amanda replied. I knew there was a meaning behind every ‘just wondering’ but I couldn’t be bothered to have a discussion about her reasons. I went upstairs to get ready for bed and just before I went to bed there was a knock at the door. “Goodnight sweetie” Amanda said. I decided to ask her what she was talking about earlier. “It’s just because, your social worker might not approve of you seeing boys, you know with before?” she said. “Oh” I said. “I won’t see him again...” I said to Amanda. She kissed me goodnight and then I went to sleep thinking about the monster who took away my innocence when I was just 11. I had a terrible dream that night.

What did Michaela dream about? Who was this Monster? Would Michaela and Elliot become an item? What was the reason behind those girls despising Alana? Would Michaela and Alana ever make up?